Sloshed
by ThatChick172
Summary: Lady Van Tassel's plans have crumbled. The Horseman has his head back and he has gained himself a witch. But living with a bitter Lady Van Tassel has proven to be too much even for a bloodthirsty warrior such as himself. The way he sees it, there seems to be only one, unfailing resort for his sanity: alcohol.


**A/N: Okay, so first of all, if you came here looking for a plot, you're at the wrong place. We're talking about silly, absurd, ooc nonsense here. Yup. I probably deserve to have my head chopped off, what with disgracing our favourite Hessian Horseman like this and all, but... well... I just couldn't resist the urge to write this. *grins evilly* This is nothing - and I mean it - _nothing _like "The Crimson-eyed Snake" or like anything I usually write really, but I would appreciate your opinion on it very much. You can find the translations for the German at the end. So, enjoy, I guess, and don't flame the author. ^_^ Oh, and this is definitely a... uh, how do they call it...? Ah, yes, definitely a one-shot. :)**

* * *

This woman was torture.

Wasn't it enough that she had caused his death, dug his grave, used him to fulfil her strange, baffling, extravagant, murderous schemes - and no way was he willing to spend more of his precious time trying to get said plan through his newly restored head - and made each day for him an ordeal what with the annoyance and the occasional murderous impulse she triggered whenever she was around? Did she have to ruin his attempt at fun, too?

"Horseman! Are you drunk?"

"Es ist gut. I'm not." Alright, so he might have had a bottle or two, but surely she wouldn't notice. And who was to blame him? He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep… Who would have thought ghosts could get affected by alcohol?

Not him. He didn't intend for that to happen. Nope. Living with Mary Van Tassel might be a living hell, but she wouldn't drive him to such a new low as to try to drown his dander in beer.

"Then what are you doing down there?"

"I'm resting! Scheiße! Are you going to disturb me now, too?"

"On the ground?"

There was a moment of confused silence as he dragged his gaze around. "Ja…" Well, that was not intentional, either. One moment he was strolling around, drawing Daredevil along, in his beer-induced bliss and next thing he knew he was lying down in a bed of crunchy leaves. Which wasn't _that _bad really, now that he thought better of it.

"Are you comfortable?"

Okay, he might be slightly drunk, but he was getting the impression that she was mocking him. And he didn't like that. He didn't like that one bit. Someone had to teach this witch some discipline and respect. And he'd be damned if he wasn't that someone. He woozily stood up and stomped his way to her. Which involved clutching her skirts as he tumbled face down back on the unforgiving ground.

Now she was staring at him tiredly. "How much have you drunk?"

He grunted and rolled over. "Nichts. I might be a little…" He briefly paused to stare emptily at a swaying tree behind Lady Van Tassel, searching for the right word. "…light-headed." His shoulders shook as he chuckled to himself, content that he had found it.

Too bad she didn't seem to share his gratified feelings.

"Light-headed? I don't think your head's there, at all."

For some reason that was even funnier. Him. Without a head. Headless. Heh heh heh. But she wasn't laughing and he knew that look well enough. It was the one that meant she had something on her mind. His pointy-toothed grin wilted a little. She wasn't going anywhere with that statement, was she? About his head and all. 'Cause she wasn't getting her hands anywhere near it again. Fool him once, shame on her. But fool him twice? Shame on him!

He might have said that last bit out loud, judging by the strange look she gave him. "Get up. Now."

A delicate hand reached out to help drag him to his feet. But there was no way in hell he was taking orders from her. Damn. There was no way in hell he was taking orders from anyone, for that matter. He was the notorious Hessian Horseman, for Christ's sake! A skilled assassin. A vigorous mercenary. A living legend. Well, sort of. The point was, she wouldn't boss him around. So he lurched to his feet by himself. Quite successfully as well, even if he had to lean against her for support.

"Oh this is beyond belief. Unthinkable, really. As if you don't know we have to be in the Tree before sunrise! I should add 'irresponsible' to my list of epithets recounting the reasons I cannot stand you."

Yeah, yeah. He was in no mood for her blubbering. Not when he needed to get hold of his horse's reins. Which was easier said than done when he had to choose among the tree stallions that were staring at him all glossy-eyed and adoring. There was Daredevil, next to him was Daredevil and in-between them was Daredevil. He frowned at them, dizzy and perplexed. Huh. That must have been one of his witch's spell. He turned to shoot her an icy glare. "I wasn't aware you could do that."

"Horseman?"

Pffft. Never mind. He'd deal with that later and-

Oh look, there was his Tree all twisted and head-filled in its clearing.

"Horseman?"

And if he kept sliding like that he could actually-

"HORSEMAN! Will you stop pulling my dress and get up?"

Ah, now she seemed kind of huffy. Which wasn't good. So he tried for authoritative, see if that would shut her up. "Yes.", he growled and sat up. He wasn't sure if it was the right answer, but she seemed to like it and, admittedly, at this point, he would say pretty much anything in order to stop hearing her nerve-wrecking voice.

"And stop that, too."

"Stop what?"

"The German… mumbling. It's been three months, I know all your curse words."

"Like hell you do. Weibsstück."

She opened her mouth to say something, then stopped herself with a huff and folded her arms in front of her ridiculously exposed chest. He didn't know if that meant he had owned her, but it surely gave him a lovely view of her bust.

There was a long moment of silence, before she sighed and crouched down, slipping an arm around him and throwing one of his strong, heavy arms over her shoulder to pull him up. Oh yeah, now the view was even better. He definitely needed to terrify villagers and steal their booze more often.

"Leave your damned horse's bridle. It can wait until you sober up."

"_He _can wait.", he mumbled unmindfully to the revealing neckline of her dress. God knew Daredevil meant to him a lot more than _she _did. He was invariably sure of that, plastered or not.

A couple of staggering steps later he started to slither down again and Lady Van Tassel was forced to ignore the resentful feelings she reserved for the liquored up German she was cradling and hoist herself closer to keep him steady.

"You know, Schatz…", he said lasciviously - okay he _slurred _lasciviously. "If you wanted some loving, all you had to do was ask."

She rolled her eyes. "It is going to be a long way home."

"Sshh, drop the act. There is no one here now", he said in what turned out to be a really loud whisper. "Only you and me…", he added pointedly in case she didn't get the hint. "And no one can blame you, Süß. I'm the Hessian Horseman. Now, I'm telling you, one night and the words 'mighty soldier' will have a whole new meaning for you." He wondered if flashing her his predatory look would be taking it too far. He didn't want her fainting or anything.

"All of Sleepy Hollow's wealth isn't worth this. No, wait. All of the state's wealth isn't worth this."

He scowled. Was she oblivious to his charm? That wasn't right. He'd have to do something about that. "I mean, if you thought _that _was a kiss, I could show you… Why are you stumbling?"

"Because you're heavy!"

Oh forget it. This woman was truly a living nightmare. How much bitching could a man take? That was what he had driven him to seek a night of happy, careless, whining-free drunkenness, after all. Not that she would let him have it _his _way, of course.

He zigzagged away, earning another plunge on the crusty soil, which made his "Fine. I don't need you and your bitching, anyway" kind of…unnecessary.

She gave him another desperate look. "Look…", she spat, attempting - and failing- to haul him back up by his cloak. "Being forced to marry you doesn't mean that I'm obliged to search for you in the woods in the middle of the night and drag your drunken ass back home. I could leave you here and you would eventually come around and find your way. Or stay out until morning's first light and turn to a cluster of dust and ludicrous hair. Which suits me just fine as well. But for some reason I'm being nice and oh for God's sake, will you stop nuzzling my hip? Being bound to you for eternity is nasty as it is. But taking care of you when you're buzzed is enough to atone for my sins!" She extended her hand, unwilling to make another effort to collect him from the ground by herself. "Now get up."

He had to admit, being the gentleman he was, he'd tuned out at some point during her pitchy rant, only registering the words that touched him personally. He grasped her hand and tried to prod her down. "Komm hier zu mir, jetzt. I'll show you a thing or two about being nasty."

She yanked her hand away in an abrupt panicking move. There, she was giving him that look again. Some people were no fun. He couldn't help but notice that vein that was currently pumping on her forehead, either. Talk about disturbing.

He wasn't exactly keen on getting up, though he did feel inclined to point out how he couldn't stand more of her snappiness. Perhaps he would, too, if he didn't feel the sudden incitation to burst out in an unintelligible stream of German and _then _plop back down and draw a blank. Which he did.

Mary stood over him, tears of aggravation welling up in her eyes. She'd thought that living forevermore in the netherworld was her penalty, but this… This was a real punishment. Memories of better days flooded her. Oh, she definitely liked her husband more as a headless minion.

"Much more.", she muttered to herself between gritted teeth, before feeling something soft and warm and spittle-covered brush across her back. She warily turned around, only to be greeted by a very big and very enthusiastic dark steed, that lacked nothing of his master's pesky manners.

The peaceful silence of the night was disrupted by a screeching scream, though no living thing was close enough to be bothered really. "Damn you Ichabod Crane! I curse the day you came to Sleepy Hollow!"

* * *

_Es ist gut.: It's fine._

_Scheiße: Shit_

Nichts: Nothing

_Weibsstück: Bitch, cow_

_Schatz: Treasure, sweetheart_

_Süß: Sweet_

_Komm hier zu mir, jetzt.: Come here to me, now._


End file.
